Definitely Real Products Inc. · Subterranean Anomalies Division

The Portal Authority

The end times are here. Find your nearest hellmouth.

A total solar eclipse, a new moon, the Perseid maximum and a planetary alignment all arrive this evening. The Authority plots every confirmed aperture near any location on Earth and grades the view of the proceedings. Arrive early.

Find my nearest hellmouth
Established
1666
Register
Grades I–VI
Confirmed sites
16

Local Survey

Find your nearest hellmouth.

One survey locates every aperture within eight kilometres, grades each on the standard scale, and files an official assessment of your view of this evening's convergence.

The Authority requires your coordinates to survey your immediate vicinity. Coordinates are read once, in your browser, and are never transmitted or stored.

Prefer to keep your position to yourself? Select any point on the map, or survey a registry site below. The Authority is not particular about whose vicinity it surveys. Viewing assessments are cross-checked against NASA's official path predictions; the Authority is nothing if not rigorous.

Assessor's picks — verified inside totality:

Findings

No survey has been run. Findings will be listed here in order of distance.

    Schedule 1

    Severity classification

    All apertures are graded on the standard six-tier scale. Grade VI is assigned by the Authority alone and may not be self-certified.

    Grade What this means for the homeowner
    Grade I — Residual Seepage A faint sulphur note in the utility room. No action required. Tomato yields may improve.
    Grade II — Ambient Aperture Dogs decline the hallway. One floorboard is warm and you will never find it.
    Grade III — Confirmed Culvert Persistent interference on 2.4 GHz. Deliveries left at the gate.
    Grade IV — Active Service Void The basement holds 41°C year round. Notify your buildings insurer within 30 days.
    Grade V — Major Breach A capping certificate is required before conveyancing. Form PA-14.
    Grade VI — Scheduled Municipal Aperture The aperture is a listed structure. It may not be sealed, moved, or discussed.

    Grades are advisory. Reassessment may be requested once per calendar year (Form PA-9). No grade exists above VI. The one candidate event was described in witness testimony as "human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria" and remains unclassified.

    How It Works

    A survey, from request to filing.

    Fifteen seconds of standard procedure: the request, the scan, the findings, and the assessor's verdict. Findings are advisory.

    Schedule 2

    Confirmed Hellmouth Registry

    Sites verified by survey and entered on the public register. Entries are maintained in perpetuity and may not be removed on request.

    Grade Location Register note Survey
    VI 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington DC Continuous emission. Onset date disputed. Survey teams are not admitted.
    VI 1100 S Ocean Boulevard Palm Beach, Florida Privately held. Membership required. The Authority has requested access on eleven occasions.
    VI Sunnydale California (delisted) Closed without a permit in 2003 by a local volunteer group. The paperwork remains open.
    V Everything within the M25 Greater London The orbital resolves, from altitude, into a sigil reading "Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds". Traffic proceeds normally.
    V Castillo de San Servando Toledo Twelfth-century drainage shaft. Connected. Pressure rises during eclipse transit.
    V DMV Window 4 Van Nuys, California Wait times increment by 66 minutes during alignments.
    IV Terminal 5 security hall Heathrow Roughly 15% of trays return from the scanner warm.
    IV Parque del Retiro boating lake Madrid Audible only during totality. Rowboat hire requires Form INF-101.
    IV Head Office breakroom Wilmington, Delaware Behind the dishwasher. The microwave is 14% faster. No further action proposed.
    III IKEA car park, level B2 Valencia Bay 114. Hex keys drift toward the floor drain. Signage unaffected.
    III Public library, basement stack 3 Davenport, Iowa Microfiche of the 1984 local paper renders as demonology. Staff have stopped reporting it.
    III Fulfilment Centre No. 3 Gary, Indiana Pallet jack 6 travels unaided to the east wall nightly. Logged as inventory rebalancing.
    III Motorway services, Junction 14 M6 northbound The bakery concession is unaffected. Nothing else is.
    II Chiverton Cross roundabout A30/A39, Cornwall Two millimetres of subsidence daily. Satnav advises a sharp descent.
    II Baggage carousel 3 Alicante–Elche Suitcases arrive warm. Some arrive twice.
    II Self-storage unit B-44 Boise, Idaho Fees debited monthly in silver groats since 2021. The renter remains locked out.

    Guidance

    Frequently raised

    Can I seal it myself?
    The Authority discourages it. Quick-setting concrete suppresses emissions for roughly 72 hours, after which back-pressure finds the bathroom plumbing.
    Does this affect my property value?
    Grades I to III reduce valuation by an average of 4.2%. Grade IV and above qualify the parcel for a geothermal rebate. The net effect is broadly neutral.
    Will my insurance cover it?
    Standard policies exclude brimstone and dimensional tears under force majeure. A Sub-Terran Endorsement is available. Most underwriters require evidence of annual capping.
    Is the Authority liable if one opens under my patio?
    No. The Authority is an information service. Liability rests with the freeholder and, where applicable, with the sovereign underworld entity holding the mineral rights.
    Why today?
    A fourfold convergence. See Field Bulletin 2026-08-12.
    My dog will not go in the hallway.
    That is a recognised Grade I to III indicator. Dogs detect the 14 Hz hum roughly 48 hours ahead of visible manifestation. If the barking becomes structured, request an upgraded survey.

    The Portal Authority is a division of Definitely Real Products Inc. and provides survey findings on an as-is and as-available basis for informational purposes only. Findings are derived from municipal drainage permits, parish records and ambient pressure tables, and constitute neither a structural survey nor a formal exorcism. Eclipse path data derive from NASA/GSFC eclipse predictions by Fred Espenak; their use here does not constitute astronomical, meteorological or eschatological advice, and NASA is not affiliated with the Authority, which it would want made clear. The Authority makes no warranty as to soil stability, brimstone concentration or spectral purity of any parcel surveyed, and accepts no liability for subsidence, lawn scorch, minor possession or localised gravity reversal. Use of this service does not satisfy statutory disclosure obligations during conveyancing. All apertures, culverts and hellmouths listed remain the property and jurisdictional responsibility of the sovereign underworld entities holding the underlying mineral rights. Coordinates submitted to the survey are processed entirely within your browser and are neither transmitted nor retained.

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