Product Catalog

Est. 1997

CARPETS

Pets for your car. Now in 3 breeds.

The world's first automotive companion animal. Choose from Shagpile, Persian, or Labrador. They don't fetch, but they don't shed either.

Est. 1997

The Tragic 8 Ball

Ask it anything. Regret everything.

Like a Magic 8 Ball, but it's been through some stuff. Every answer is technically correct — just deeply unhelpful. Crushing dreams since 1997.

Est. 2001

The Magic Hate Ball

It has opinions. All hostile.

The angry sibling of the Tragic 8 Ball. Shake it at your own risk. Its opinions are its own (though privately we agree with most of them).

Est. 2024

Hay Eye Companions

The original smart speaker.

AI companions are expensive. Hay bales with googly eyes are not. Stand in a field and talk to one. They listen. They never judge. They are hay.

Est. 2001

Soup of the Night

When regular soup just isn't enough.

The sultry, darker opposite of Soup of the Day. Late-night soup with mood lighting, saxophone energy, and wine pairings for canned soup. Open after 10pm.

Est. 2024

Stranger's Things

Turned Upside Down. Lifted From Pockets.

HotSquatch heard Stranger Things was popular. He did not understand it. But he wanted in. A five-piece collector's set of items liberated from the pockets of complete strangers.

Est. 2003

Grocery Gnomes

Professional grocery chaos agents.

Hire gnomes to rearrange aisles, wipe shopper memories, and transform grocery shopping into an adventure. Memory wiping and weekly shuffling included.

Est. 2019

Mosquito Teleportation Device

Never get swatted again.

Revolutionary teleportation technology for mosquitoes. Instant escape with 10-second invisibility. Warning: side effects include blood cravings.

Est. 2026

The Smart Brick

The future of doing nothing, beautifully.

A regular brick with a WiFi chip. It connects to your network. It doesn't do anything else. App coming Q3 2027. The revolution starts with masonry.

Est. 2026

Cloud Storage

Real clouds. Real jars. Really.

Actual clouds, captured and stored in artisanal glass jars. Each jar comes with a Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity. Do not open the jar.

Est. 2026

TaskMaster 3000

It knows what you haven't done.

A physical to-do list that judges you. Prints passive-aggressive notes when tasks go overdue. Features a Disappointment Meter. Syncs with nothing but your conscience.

Est. 2026

The Dog Translator

Finally understand your dog. (It's food.)

A collar that translates what your dog is saying. Every translation is "I want food." Every single one. Even when they're sleeping. 99.7% accuracy.

Est. 1998

The Magic Wait Ball

Good things come to those who... hold on.

The wait is the product. Shake it, ask it a question, or just sit there. It's loading. It's always loading. Estimated delivery: eventually.

Est. 2024

Dark Mode

Enable dark mode anywhere.

Premium sunglasses that turn everything dark. Works on any environment — offices, outdoors, family gatherings. No software update required. Toggle reality itself.

Est. 2003

The Spam Filter

Industrial-grade spam filtering.

A kitchen colander engineered for one purpose: filtering canned Spam. 99.7% Spam detection rate. Zero false positives. Enterprise licensing available.

Est. 2026

Bluetooth

Pair with any mouth.

A single blue tooth. Premium dental jewelry that pairs seamlessly with any mouth. No charging required. Not compatible with Bluetooth 5.0 or any other version.

Est. 2019

The Firewall

Your home's first line of defense.

A decorative wall panel with built-in LED flame effects. Protects your home by looking intimidating. Motion-activated. Intruders hate this one weird trick.

Est. 2021

Professional Horse Services

You should not expect anything less.

Professional services conducted in a professional manner. We type letters, watch movies, eat carrots (you provide), and teach Minecraft. Strictly no 'horsey' rides. Acquired by DRP in 2026.

Est. 2026

The Social Battery

45 minutes of small talk. Fully charged.

A physical battery pack for social energy. Clip it on, power through networking events. Low battery warning at 15 minutes. Recharges via 8 hours of solitude.

Est. 2019

The Password Manager

Military-grade security. Post-it-grade technology.

A matte-black steel safe engineered exclusively for storing Post-it notes. Features a 6-digit combination lock — written on a Post-it inside the safe. Enterprise tier includes a second safe for the first safe's combination. Turtles all the way down.

Est. 2024

Cookies

This kitchen uses cookies.

A motion-activated popup that deploys from your cupboard every time you reach for a snack. You must accept cookies before the cupboard opens. Reject All requires 14 taps on a tiny gingerbread man. Manage Preferences lets you select cookie types but the cupboard opens anyway.

Est. 2003

The Influencer

Go viral. Guaranteed.

A common cold, cultured and bottled in artisanal glass. Spread your influence to everyone you meet. Starter Culture tier covers a small office. Enterprise Pandemic tier handles open-plan floors. Contains live active cultures.

Est. 2019

The Flat Earther

Finally, proof.

A premium steam iron engineered exclusively for maps and globes. Patented CartographiSmooth technology converts any sphere into a convenient flat sheet. Eliminates curvature in seconds. The science is settled — by us, just now, with this iron.

Est. 2024

Airplane Mode

Engineered for nothing.

A paper airplane. It doesn't make calls, send texts, or connect to WiFi. Total disconnection — by design. Available in Economy (A4), Business Class (card stock), and First Class (handmade Japanese washi, individually folded by a monk who has also never heard of WiFi).

Est. 2026

The Screensaver

Your screen's first line of defense.

A 3-inch superhero action figure that stands in front of your monitor and protects it through sheer presence. Does nothing if the screen actually breaks. Sold separately: The Screen Protector (tiny shield), The Pop-Up Blocker (stop-sign hand), and The Antivirus (tiny sword, medical mask).

Est. 2024

Taxi-Dachsys

Your dachshund is arriving now.

The on-demand app for summoning a taxidermied dachshund to your door. Track it on the map in real time. Choose DachsX, Dachs Comfort, DachsXL, or Dachs Black. It will not move. It will not bark. Five stars, guaranteed.

Est. 1971

MosquitoMappr

Map, Don't Zap!

The humane way to handle mosquitoes — don't kill them, kindly redirect them. Upload a map to a destination of your choosing, attach a blood sample and a small bribe, and let nature find somewhere else to be. Cruelty-free. Carbon-neutral. We don't ask about the addresses.

Est. 2024

HotSquatch! 2026

12 months of Sasquatch. 0 months of shame.

The tasteful(?) Bigfoot pinup calendar you didn't know you needed. Banned in 4 national parks. Only $19.99. Operators are standing by.