Why Work Here?
At Definitely Real Products Inc., we don't just offer jobs—we offer experiences that no other employer can (or would want to) provide. Our culture is built on three pillars: innovation, confusion, and an unwavering commitment to products that raise more questions than they answer.
We're a team of dreamers, thinkers, and one very large individual who communicates exclusively through furniture displacement. Whether you're a seasoned professional looking for a change or someone who just wandered in and we haven't asked to leave yet, there's a place for you at DeRP.
We're growing fast. Possibly too fast. Several departments now exist that weren't planned. If you thrive in an environment where the org chart is more of a suggestion and "that's not my job" is never true because no one's job is clearly defined, you'll fit right in.
Benefits Package
Comprehensive. Mostly real. Some restrictions apply (in dimensions 4-7).
Sasquatch Dental Plan
Full coverage for teeth of all sizes. Especially large sizes. Unusually large sizes.
Unlimited PTO
That no one uses because there's nothing to take time off from. It's more of a philosophical benefit.
Free Parking
In a dimension that may not exist. Validated by Bartholomew (see Leadership page).
401(k) Matching
We match your confusion. For every dollar you invest, we invest an equal amount of uncertainty.
On-Site Cafeteria
Soup only. After 10pm. The soup is always a surprise, even to the chef. Especially to the chef.
Casual Dress Code
Formal dress code on Opposite Day. Business casual on days that are palindromes. Costumes encouraged Wednesdays.
Open Positions
All positions are full-time unless otherwise noted or until we forget you work here
Senior Carpet Whisperer
Guide our sentient carpet inventory through their emotional journeys. You'll serve as the primary liaison between management and floor coverings that have developed opinions.
Requirements
- Minimum 5 years experience communicating with textiles
- Fluency in at least two carpet dialects (Berber preferred)
- Ability to remain calm when a rug expresses disappointment
- Strong knees (you will be kneeling a lot)
Nice to Have
- Previous experience in carpet therapy or textile counseling
- Certification from the International Carpet Whispering Institute (ICWI)
- Own a lint roller
Gnome Deployment Specialist
Oversee the strategic deployment of Grocery Gnomes to partner supermarket locations. Ensure gnome placement optimizes both shopping assistance and the general sense of unease.
Requirements
- Experience in field operations or retail logistics
- Ability to lift 40 lbs (approximate weight of one gnome)
- Valid driver's license for the Gnome Transport Vehicle
- Comfortable working early mornings (gnomes prefer pre-dawn deployment)
Nice to Have
- Knowledge of gnome behavioral patterns
- Experience de-escalating gnome territorial disputes
- Not easily startled by things that should not move but do
Interdimensional Customs Agent
Process imports and exports between our standard dimension and partnered dimensions. Ensure all interdimensional shipments comply with the laws of physics (where applicable).
Requirements
- Existing clearance for Dimensions 4-7 (Dimension 5 waiver acceptable)
- Familiarity with non-Euclidean customs forms
- Ability to perceive at least 4.5 spatial dimensions
- Must not be allergic to void exposure
Nice to Have
- Experience with temporal customs (shipments arriving before they were sent)
- Fluency in Dimension 6 trade pidgin
- Comfortable with the concept of yourself existing in multiple locations simultaneously
Tragic 8 Ball Calibration Technician
Calibrate, test, and quality-assure our Tragic 8 Ball product line. Ensure each unit delivers appropriately devastating emotional truths within manufacturer specifications.
Requirements
- Background in precision instruments or divination devices
- Emotional resilience (you will read thousands of uncomfortable truths daily)
- Ability to distinguish between "tragic" and "merely disappointing"
- Must be comfortable with existential dread
Nice to Have
- Previous experience calibrating feelings
- Therapy (ongoing, not as a requirement but as a strong suggestion)
- A working relationship with the concept of futility
VP of Something (TBD)
We're hiring a Vice President. Of what, exactly, remains to be determined upon hiring. The role will be shaped by whoever fills it, which is either empowering or deeply alarming.
Requirements
- Must be willing to figure out what this job is
- Experience in at least one (1) field of any kind
- Ability to attend meetings with conviction
- A title from a previous job (any title, we're not picky)
Nice to Have
- A vision (for the company, or in general)
- The ability to make PowerPoint slides that feel important
- Comfort with ambiguity at a level that would concern most people
- References from companies that definitely exist
This Could Be You
That silhouette up there? That’s you. Or it could be. We don’t know what you look like, and frankly, neither does our HR department. But we do know one thing: there’s a desk somewhere in this company with your name on it. Literally. Greg has been writing random names on desks again.
Job Alerts
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Ready to Apply?
Our Head of HR, the Magic Hate Ball, will personally review your application. It has been doing this since 2001 and is not happy about it.