Est. Atmospheric Year One — Premium Specimen Subscription
Cloud Storage
Real clouds. Real jars. Really.
Each specimen hand-selected from altitudes between 2,000 and 40,000 feet. Sealed under controlled atmospheric pressure. Shipped monthly. Do not open the jar.
Specimen Catalogue
Our Collection
All specimens are captured during peak formation and sealed within four hours. Provenance documentation available upon request.
Cumulus
The Classic
The classic. Fluffy, non-threatening. Reminds you of childhood, of lying in a meadow, of simpler times before you became the kind of person who subscribes to cloud storage. Approachable. Ideal for beginners.
Altitude: 2,000–6,500 ft — Fair weather formation
Stratus
The Grey Blanket
A low, featureless grey sheet that drapes across the sky like an uninspired ceiling. Collectors prize the stratus for its uniformity, its quietude, and its suggestion that today is not going to be the day you had hoped for.
Altitude: Surface–6,500 ft — Overcast formation
Cirrus
The Whisper
Delicate filaments of ice crystal, blown into long white brushstrokes by upper-atmosphere winds. Extremely difficult to bottle. Our cirrus specimens are sealed in thinner jars. They feel like nothing. They weigh almost nothing. They are mostly nothing. This commands a premium.
Altitude: 20,000–40,000 ft — High-altitude ice crystal
Nimbostratus
The Brooding One
Dark, brooding. For the cloud collector who has been through some things. A thick, dark mass that blots the sun with institutional efficiency. No silver lining. Not apologising for that. The nimbostratus jar is noticeably heavier.
Altitude: 6,500–23,000 ft — Persistent precipitation formation
Altocumulus
The Refined Middle
Mid-level cloudscape arranged in neat, rolling rows. The altocumulus is what cumulus aspires to be once it has acquired some perspective. Appreciated by collectors who describe themselves as "discerning."
Altitude: 6,500–23,000 ft — Mackerel sky formation
Cumulonimbus
The Serious Collector's Cloud
The anvil-headed tower. A cumulonimbus can extend from the surface to the top of the troposphere. It contains lightning. It contains hail. It contains the primal power of an atmosphere pushed past its limits. We bottle it anyway. It frequently objects.
Altitude: Surface–60,000 ft — Severe weather formation — Handle with professional care
Subscription Tiers
Choose Your Plan
Billed monthly. Cancel anytime. Jars are yours to keep regardless. The clouds are yours until they are not.
Entry Tier
Cumulus
$12.99
per month
One jar per month. Cumulus specimens exclusively. Fluffy. Reliable. Non-threatening.
- 1 cumulus specimen jar, monthly
- Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity
- Capture date and coordinates
- Standard glass jar (250ml)
- Basic care instruction card
Mid Tier
Stratus
$24.99
per month
Two jars per month. Rotating specimen selection including cumulus, stratus, cirrus, and altocumulus.
- 2 specimen jars per month
- Rotational specimen selection
- Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity (both)
- Altitude-stamped glass jars (400ml)
- Full atmospheric provenance report
- Collector's identification booklet
Serious Collector
Cumulonimbus
$49.99
per month
For the serious collector. Four jars monthly, including one severe weather specimen. May vibrate during transit.
- 4 specimen jars per month
- Full specimen rotation including nimbostratus
- Guaranteed one cumulonimbus per quarter
- Reinforced glass jars (600ml)
- Full atmospheric provenance report
- Collector's identification booklet
- Meteorologist's personal note
- Priority reshipment if cloud escapes in transit
Handling Instructions
Storage & Care
Proper care is essential to specimen longevity. These instructions are not suggestions. They represent the accumulated wisdom of three decades of atmospheric containment.
| Parameter | Specification |
|---|---|
| Temperature | Room temperature. Between 60°F and 75°F (15–24°C). Do not refrigerate. Cold air destabilises the moisture suspension. The cloud will condense. It becomes water. It is no longer a cloud. You will have a jar of dampness. |
| Sunlight | Away from direct sunlight. Sustained UV exposure degrades the atmospheric seal. Indirect natural light is acceptable and, in the case of cirrus specimens, aesthetically recommended. |
| Humidity | Moderate ambient humidity preferred. Below 20% relative humidity, the specimens may become restless. Above 85%, they expand. In either case the jar is not designed for the resulting pressures. |
| Orientation | Upright, always. Specimens were captured in their natural orientation. They do not adjust well to inversion. The nimbostratus in particular becomes difficult when upside down. |
| Proximity | Do not store adjacent to open windows during storms. The cumulonimbus can sense atmospheric pressure changes through the glass. Its behaviour becomes unpredictable. |
| Vibration | Avoid surfaces subject to sustained vibration (washing machines, subwoofers, industrial presses). The cirrus is particularly sensitive. It will shred. |
| Dissipation | Some specimens will dissipate over time. This is a natural atmospheric process. It is not a defect. It is not grounds for a refund. It is simply what clouds do when given the opportunity. |
| The Jar Lid | Do not open the jar. This merits its own row in the table. Do not open it. |
Official Documentation
Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity
Each specimen ships with a numbered certificate. A sample is reproduced below. Your certificate will bear different coordinates. The cloud, of course, will be different. That is the point of a subscription.
Definitely Real Products Inc. — Atmospheric Division
Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity
Issued under the authority of the DeRP Atmospheric Oversight Committee
This certifies that the specimen contained within the accompanying sealed glass jar is a genuine cloud, captured from the atmosphere of Earth (Sol III) and preserved under controlled conditions. The cloud is real. The atmosphere from which it was taken is real. The jar is definitely glass. This certificate is printed on paper.
Specimen Type
Cumulus humilis
Capture Date
Varies
Capture Altitude
4,200 ft ASL
Coordinates
On file
Atmospheric Pressure at Capture
873 hPa
Certificate No.
Your number here
Atmospherically Certified — DeRP Inc.
Collector Correspondence
From Our Subscribers
"I have been a Cumulonimbus subscriber for eleven months. My collection occupies an entire shelf. My wife will not come into the room since the incident with the severe-weather specimen. I consider this an acceptable trade-off."
— R. Farthingale, Retired meteorologist, Vermont
"The cirrus arrived beautifully thin. Almost translucent. I held it to the window for several minutes. Then I put it on the shelf. I am not sure what I expected, but I have no complaints. Four stars because the stratus looked like despair and I was not in a good place that month."
— T. Aldermoor, Graphic designer, Portland
"My daughter opened the jar. I had specifically told her not to open the jar. You specifically told me to tell her not to open the jar. The cloud is gone. She is sorry. I am requesting a replacement under the circumstances. You said no. We are moving on."
— P. Marchetti, Stratus subscriber (former), New Jersey
"I gifted the Cumulus starter to my father for his birthday. He did not understand it at first. By the second shipment he was reading about cloud classification in his spare time. By the fourth he had upgraded to Cumulonimbus on his own initiative. You have changed our family."
— L. Hargreaves, Stratus subscriber, Edinburgh
Correspondence & Inquiries
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens if I open the jar?
The cloud escapes. It will disperse into the ambient air within approximately forty seconds. It will not come back. It was never interested in the jar to begin with. We have been very clear about this and will continue to be clear about it for as long as necessary.
My cloud has partially dissipated. Is this a defect?
No. Dissipation is a natural atmospheric process. Clouds do not wish to remain fixed in place. They are, by nature, transient. What you are witnessing is authenticity. We suggest treating it as a feature of the medium rather than a failure of the product. A refund will not be issued.
Is the cloud actually in the jar?
Yes. The jar contains a real cloud specimen, suspended in an atmosphere at reduced pressure. The cloud is not a simulation, a photograph, or a conceptual metaphor. It is water vapour and aerosol particles arranged by atmospheric conditions into the form you see. You are storing an actual piece of weather.
What is a Certificate of Atmospheric Authenticity?
A numbered document issued by our Atmospheric Oversight Committee confirming the specimen's classification, capture date, altitude, and coordinates. It does not prevent the cloud from dissipating. It does confirm that the cloud was real at the time of capture, which is the most we can promise about anything.
Can I skip a month?
Yes. Log into your account and select "Pause Subscription" at least seven days before your billing date. The clouds will still be there when you return. There are always more clouds.
The cumulonimbus jar is making a noise. Is this normal?
The cumulonimbus specimen can, in certain atmospheric conditions, generate small electrical charges that interact with the glass. A faint crackling is within expected parameters. If the sound is louder than a whisper, place the jar in a location away from other electronics and contact our Atmospheric Support line during business hours.
Is this available outside the United States?
International shipping is available to most territories. Note that customs forms require us to declare the jar contents as "atmospheric specimen (water vapour, aerosol, sealed)." Customs officials have thus far been divided in their response, ranging from indifference to philosophically troubled. Delivery times vary accordingly.
What if I simply want to store files in the cloud, like normal?
You are describing a different product entirely. Several large technology companies offer that service. We suggest contacting one of them. We are in the business of actual clouds, in actual jars, shipped monthly to actual subscribers. We appreciate the clarity this moment provides.
Begin Your Collection
Twelve months from now, you will have a shelf of jars containing weather.
This is not a metaphor. This is a subscription.
$12.99 / month — Cancel anytime — Jars are yours to keep