Cookies
This kitchen uses cookies.
How It Works
Three steps. Fully compliant. The cupboard will not open until you consent. This is not a bug. This is the product.
Approach Cupboard
Passive infrared motion sensor detects your presence within 1.2 metres. The cupboard registers your intent to access its contents and initiates the consent lifecycle.
Consent Popup Deploys
A 6-inch e-ink display activates on the cupboard door. You are presented with cookie categories, a 4,200-word privacy notice, and three buttons. You must choose one. The cupboard has time.
Accept or Starve
Accept all cookies to open the cupboard instantly. Reject all to begin the appeals process (estimated 3–5 business days). Manage preferences to open a sub-menu that is technically impossible to complete.
Choose Your Compliance Level
Every kitchen is different. Every kitchen deserves proportionate consent friction.
For single households with one primary cupboard. Covers biscuits, crackers, and light snack infrastructure.
- 1 motion-activated cupboard
- 3 consent categories (Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal Raisin, Shortbread)
- Accept All / Reject All buttons
- GDPR compliant popup display (6” e-ink)
- 30-day consent history log
- Single-user household license
For households with multiple cupboards, a pantry, and at least one person who has "been meaning to sort out the snack situation."
- Up to 8 cupboards
- Unified consent dashboard (all doors, one screen)
- Family consent profiles (up to 4 users)
- Granular cookie type management
- Consent withdrawal request queue
- 90-day audit log with export to PDF
- Priority consent processing (under 48 hrs)
For restaurants, bakeries, hotel kitchens, and any establishment where cookie liability could end careers.
- Unlimited cupboards and cold storage units
- Full compliance audit log (7-year retention)
- Dedicated Consent Officer support line
- Third-party cookie disclosure module
- Staff consent training materials included
- Regulatory reporting templates (EU, UK, California)
- Annual recertification service
Third-Party Cookies
We can control what enters through your cupboard. We cannot control your neighbours.
Neighbourly Baking Notice
Sometimes a neighbour shows up with a plate. We cannot control third-party cookie providers. By opening your front door, you consent to neighbourly baking. This consent is separate from your cupboard consent and operates under different regulatory conditions, specifically the Unannounced Visitor Act of 2019 and common decency.
Third-party cookies may include: shortbread from someone named Margaret, gingerbread of unknown origin, biscotti that nobody asked for but everyone eats anyway, and any item described as "low-sugar" that clearly is not. Definitely Real Products Inc. is not responsible for the flavour profile, structural integrity, or caloric implications of third-party cookies.
Status: CANNOT_CONTROL | Scope: NEIGHBOURHOOD_RADIUS_200M
Consent mechanism: ANSWERING_THE_DOOR
Opt-out method: PRETEND_YOU_ARE_NOT_HOME (success rate: 34%)
Regulatory basis: LEGITIMATE_INTEREST_IN_FREE_BISCUITS
Frequently Asked Questions
What happens if I reject all?
You starve. This is by design. The Gingerbread Data Protection Regulation requires that rejection of all cookies must carry a proportionate consequence. We determined that proportionate consequence to be no access to the cupboard, ever, or until you consent. You may appeal this decision in writing. Appeals are reviewed quarterly. The review board is the cupboard. The cupboard does not read.
Can I withdraw consent?
You may submit a consent withdrawal request via the Cookies app, the physical withdrawal form included in the box, or by asking the cupboard directly. The cupboard remembers. The cupboard always remembers. Withdrawal requests are processed within 3–5 business days. During this period, the cupboard remains locked. We recommend maintaining a snack drawer that operates on implied consent until the matter is resolved.
Is this GDPR compliant?
We invented GDPR. The Gingerbread Data Protection Regulation was established by Definitely Real Products Inc. in 2018, coincidentally the same year a different GDPR came into effect in Europe. Ours predates theirs in spirit if not in law. So yes, we are GDPR compliant. Our GDPR. Which is the one that matters for cupboard access purposes.
What are the cookie categories exactly?
The four consent categories are: Chocolate Chip (essential cupboard functionality, cannot be rejected), Snickerdoodle (performance monitoring of how quickly you reach for snacks), Oatmeal Raisin (targeting cookies shown to people the system believes are pretending they like oatmeal raisin), and Shortbread (analytics tracking how long you stand in front of the cupboard looking at it). All are technically optional. Rejecting Chocolate Chip is technically optional but the cupboard disagrees.
What happens if I just unplug it?
The cupboard has a 72-hour battery backup. It was designed with this use case in mind. We anticipated you would try this. The cupboard does not take it personally. It simply waits. When the battery runs low, it displays a message: "Your consent is important to us." This message is sincere. The cupboard needs you to consent. It has always needed you to consent. Please consent.