Now a Definitely Real Products Inc. Company
Professional Horse Services
"You should not expect anything less"
Are you getting the most out of your horse? If the answer is neigh, then you need a professional.
Get ProfessionalThe Best In Equestrian Profess...ian.™
Our Professional Services
Everything below is performed in a professional manner. No exceptions.
Typing Professional Letters
We will type letters for you. On a keyboard. Professionally. Content of the letters is not our concern. We type them. You're welcome.
Watching Professional Movies
We watch movies in a professional capacity. Popcorn is not included. Commentary is not offered. We simply watch. Professionally. The movie selection is ours to make.
Carrot Consumption
We will eat carrots while you watch. You must provide the carrots. We cannot stress this enough. We will not bring our own carrots. This is a professional boundary.
Minecraft Lessons
Learn to mine. Learn to craft. In a professional environment. Creepers are handled with professionalism. Diamond tools only — we are not amateurs.
Many More Things
We offer many more things in a professional manner. We cannot list them here because the list is too professional. Rest assured: they are things. And they are professional.
Strictly No 'Horsey' Rides
Do not ask. This is a professional operation. The answer was, is, and will always be no. This policy survived the acquisition. Corporate agrees.
The Acquisition
In early 2026, Definitely Real Products Inc. completed its acquisition of Professional Horse Services.
The original founder — whose identity remains unclear, though internal documents refer to them only as "The Professional" — built something remarkable from a single HTML page and an email address.
DRP's acquisition preserves the founding vision — and the registered slogan, "The Best In Equestrian Profess...ian," which legal has confirmed is intentional and not a printing error — while bringing enterprise-grade professionalism to what was already, by all accounts, a professional operation. The no 'horsey' rides policy remains firmly in place.
All original services have been retained. Several new ones have been added, each meeting or exceeding the original standard of professionalism. The carrots policy is unchanged: you provide them.
Professional Pricing
All tiers include professional conduct as standard.
Pony
$299/mo
Entry-level professionalism. Ideal for those new to professional horse services.
- Typing up to 3 professional letters
- 1 professional movie per month
- Carrot sessions (you provide carrots)
- Email support (professional tone)
Stallion
$799/mo
Our most professional tier. Maximum professionalism at all times.
- Unlimited professional letters
- 4 professional movies per month
- Weekly carrot sessions (you still provide carrots)
- Minecraft lessons (diamond tier)
- Many more things (professional)
- Priority support
Triple Crown
Custom
Enterprise professionalism. For when regular professionalism is not professional enough.
- Everything in Stallion
- Dedicated Professional assigned to you
- Professional letters typed in cursive
- Movies watched in 4K (professionally)
- Organic carrot sessions available
- Still no 'horsey' rides
What Clients Say
Professional feedback from professional clients.
★★★★★
"They typed a letter for me. I don't know what it said because they wouldn't let me read it. They said it was professional and I believe them."
Margaret T. — Horse Owner (unrelated)
★★★★★
"I brought 2kg of carrots. They ate every single one. I watched them do it. They were correct — it was extremely professional."
Gerald B. — Retired Carrot Supplier
★★★★☆
"My son learned Minecraft in three sessions. He built a professional house. The Professional approved. One star deducted because I asked for a horsey ride and was escorted out."
Deborah K. — Parent
★★★★★
"I have no horse. I don't know why I'm here. But the movie was quite good and the letter they typed was, I'm told, very professional."
Alan M. — Confused but Satisfied
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I need to own a horse?
No. Horse ownership is not a requirement, a prerequisite, or even particularly relevant. The services are professional. That is the relevant part.
What kind of movies do you watch?
Professional ones. We cannot disclose specific titles as this would compromise the professionalism of the viewing experience. Rest assured: the movies are watched in their entirety, start to finish, in a seated position.
Why do I have to provide my own carrots?
This was a founding principle established before the acquisition and it will not be revisited. The carrot supply chain is the client's responsibility. We consume them. That is the division of labor. It is professional.
What happened to the original founder?
The Professional remains in an advisory capacity. Their exact role is confidential but we can confirm they still do not offer 'horsey' rides. That much has not changed.
Can I get a 'horsey' ride?
No. This is a professional operation. Please do not ask again. This question appearing in the FAQ should tell you something about how often people ask. The answer is always no.
What are the "many more things" you offer?
They are things. They are many. They are offered in a professional manner. Further specifics would undermine the professional mystique. You will know them when you experience them. Probably.
Is this for actual horses?
This is Professional Horse Services. We offer professional services. The word "horse" is in the name. Beyond that, we are not prepared to elaborate at this time.
What changed after the DRP acquisition?
Corporate branding, tiered pricing, and this FAQ. The professionalism was already at maximum capacity. We have simply added infrastructure around it.
The Original Site
Preserved for posterity. The site that started it all.
Professional Horse Services
"You should not expect anything less"
Are you getting the most out of your horse? If the answer is neigh then you need a professional.
Here is a small list of the things i am prepared to do for you for money:
- Typing professional letters
- Watch Professional movies
- Eat carrots while you watch (you must provide carrots)
- Minecraft lessons
- and many more things in a professional manner
Strictly no 'horsey' rides this is a professional operation.