The Influencer
Go viral. Guaranteed.
What's Inside
Every bottle of The Influencer is handcrafted in our artisanal culture facility. We source only the finest rhinovirus strains from free-range, sustainably managed environments. No artificial additives. No synthetic pathogens. Just pure, honest viral reach.
Our proprietary cold-press extraction process preserves the full spectrum of active cultures so that nothing is lost between bottling and your first deep breath. The cultures on the label are the cultures in the bottle.
Supplement Facts
Serving size: 1 ambient inhale • Servings per bottle: ~47
Amount Per Serving
* Percent Daily Values not established by the FDA. † Contains: live cultures, broken social contracts, and trace amounts of irony. Not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Results are guaranteed for a given definition of “results.”
Choose Your Coverage
Monthly subscription. Each tier is calibrated for a specific scale of influence. You know your audience. We know your pathogens.
Starter Culture
Covers a small office $9.99 per month, billed monthly- 1 artisanal bottle per month
- 5–12 person office coverage
- Heritage rhinovirus strain A14
- Cold-press extracted cultures
- Compostable cork closure
Super Spreader
Open-plan floor coverage $29.99 per month, billed monthly- 3 artisanal bottles per month
- Open-plan floor up to 80 people
- Dual-strain culture blend
- Enhanced aerosolization profile
- Recycled amber glass bottles
- Priority culture refresh mid-cycle
Enterprise Pandemic
Contact our epidemiology sales team Let's Talk custom pricing for enterprise reach- Unlimited bottles per month
- Multi-campus or event coverage
- Custom strain curation
- Dedicated epidemiology account manager
- White-label bottling available
- Quarterly viral strategy review
Your Influencer Metrics
Track your reach. Understand your engagement. The dashboard updates in real time, which is to say, as your colleagues begin to exhibit symptoms.
Deeply Affected Customers
“I shared it with my whole office. They were deeply affected. HR sent a memo. I have never generated this much internal communications on my behalf.”
“My followers tripled overnight. Mostly in the medical sense — three colleagues tested positive within 48 hours. I have never had this kind of reach. Truly transformative.”
“The Super Spreader tier really lives up to its name. The open-plan floor coverage was accurate to within about two desks. Losing one star because the cork was difficult to open.”
Not approved by the FDA, WHO, CDC, or anyone. The Influencer is a satirical wellness product and does not contain actual pathogens, live cultures, or any biologically active material. Do not attempt to use this product as an actual viral delivery mechanism. Do not open near immunocompromised individuals, even as a bit. Contains: live cultures (fictional), broken social contracts, and trace amounts of irony. If symptoms persist, you are doing it right. Results are guaranteed for a given definition of “results.” Definitely Real Products Inc. accepts no liability for sick days, HR interventions, hostile Slack messages, or the lingering sensation that you have done something wrong. The Vitamin C is real. The rest is a concept. Est. 2026. Patent pending.
The Social Battery
Going viral takes a lot out of you. Recharge your interpersonal reserves with The Social Battery — clinically calibrated for introvert use. 45 minutes of small talk. Fully charged.