Investor Relations

Dear Valued Shareholders,

Fiscal Year 2025 has been a landmark year for Definitely Real Products Inc. We are proud to report growth across nearly all of our key verticals, including but not limited to carpet sales, paranormal staffing, and refrigerated pillow logistics. Our commitment to innovation has never been stronger, and neither has our commitment to using the word “innovation” in shareholder letters.

Our strategic carpet deployment initiative yielded a 340% increase in consumer bewilderment, which, as our analysts assure us, is a leading indicator of future revenue. The Pillow Fridge division, despite three voluntary recalls, continues to demonstrate remarkable resilience and an even more remarkable ability to generate headlines. We consider all press to be good press, with the possible exception of the Pensacola Incident, which our legal team advises us not to discuss further.

Our Grocery Gnomes pilot program exceeded all confusion targets by a considerable margin. While some stakeholders have questioned the program’s scalability, we remain committed to the vision of a gnome in every grocery store in America. The HotSquatch Calendar continues to perform well in regions where it has not been banned, and we are actively exploring new markets (pending clearance from several national park services).

Looking ahead, we are investing heavily in our Mosquito Teleporter technology, which we believe will disrupt the $47 billion mosquito industry. Our Soup of the Night subscription service is experiencing unprecedented growth among insomniacs and people who simply cannot be talked out of it. And the Tragic 8-Ball remains our most philosophically honest product to date.

As always, we remain cautiously optimistic about everything and nothing.

Warmest professional regards,
Hank Plausible
Chief Executive Officer & Head of Believing in Things