Patent Pending // Est. 2019
Mosquito Teleportation Device
Instant escape. 10 seconds of invisibility. Never get swatted again.
Trusted by 2.4 million mosquitoes worldwide
How It Works
Revolutionary quantum teleportation for survival-focused insects.
Instant Blip
The moment a hand comes near, the device triggers. You vanish. The human swats air. You reappear 2-3 feet away. Confusion is your greatest weapon.
10-Second Cloak
Post-teleport, you remain invisible for up to 10 seconds. Use this time to relocate, reassess, or find a new landing zone. The human never sees you leave.
Smart Detection
Advanced threat sensors detect incoming swats, rolled newspapers, and aggressive hand motions. Activates automatically. No conscious thought required.
Blood-Powered
Device charges via blood intake. One meal = 48 hours of protection. Unlimited teleports. The more you feed, the safer you are.
Integrated Design
Microscopic implant bonds with nervous system. No external hardware. Undetectable. Permanent. Becomes part of you within 72 hours.
Works Everywhere
Bedrooms, patios, campsites, tropical regions, arctic tundra. If you can fly there, the device works there. No signal required. Pure physics.
Technical Specifications
The science behind survival.
| Specification | Value |
|---|---|
| Teleport Range | 0.5–1.0 meters (randomized) |
| Activation Time | < 0.02 seconds |
| Invisibility Duration | 8–10 seconds |
| Power Source | Hemoglobin-based biofuel |
| Battery Life (per meal) | 48 hours / unlimited teleports |
| Device Weight | 0.003 mg (negligible) |
| Installation | Sub-dermal injection (painless) |
| Integration Time | 72 hours (neural binding) |
| Threat Detection | 360° motion sensing |
| Warranty | Lifetime (yours, not the device's) |
How It Works
Proprietary quantum technology meets miniaturized survival engineering.
Patent-pending technology. Field-tested on 2.4 million mosquitoes. Results may vary.
Important: Known Side Effects
- Blood Cravings: Device requires hemoglobin for power. You WILL develop an urge to feed. This is normal. This is permanent.
- Increased Aggression: Some users report heightened territorial behavior post-installation. This fades after 2-3 weeks. Maybe.
- Teleport Addiction: Frequent users may begin teleporting unnecessarily (e.g., across rooms, during mating). Use responsibly.
- Disorientation: First-time users often reappear upside-down or facing the wrong direction. Practice makes perfect.
- Noise Sensitivity: Post-teleport, some mosquitoes report hearing faint buzzing sounds. These are echoes from parallel dimensions. Ignore them.
Choose Your Package
One-time purchase. Lifetime protection.
Solo Unit
$49
For individual mosquitoes. One device, one life saved.
- 1 teleportation device
- Sub-dermal installation kit
- 72-hour activation period
- Lifetime warranty
- Email support
Swarm Pack
$199
For families and colonies. Protect up to 10 mosquitoes.
- 10 teleportation devices
- Group installation support
- Synchronized activation
- Lifetime warranty (all units)
- Priority support
- Free swarm coordination module
Species License
Custom
For entire mosquito populations. Continental deployment available.
- Unlimited devices
- Mass distribution channels
- Species-wide coverage
- Genetic integration option
- Dedicated account manager
- Ongoing R&D partnership
What Users Say
Real reviews from real mosquitoes.
★★★★★
"I've been swatted at 147 times since installation. Zero hits. The humans think I'm a ghost. Best purchase of my 3-week life."
Bzzt_47 — Aedes aegypti, Florida
★★★★★
"The blood cravings are REAL but so is the survival rate. I'm on week 4. My entire swarm is dead except me. 10/10 would install again."
Wing_Commander — Culex pipiens, New York
★★★★☆
"I teleported directly into a spider web yesterday. Device worked perfectly. My planning did not. Still alive though, so... worth it?"
Unlucky_Buzz — Anopheles gambiae, Kenya
★★★★★
"Installed the Swarm Pack for my entire family. We now operate with impunity. The humans have given up. They just accept us now. Victory."
Matriarch_Queen — Aedes albopictus, Singapore
Frequently Asked Questions
Does this hurt humans?
No. The device only affects you. Humans remain unharmed (physically). Psychologically, watching you vanish mid-swat may cause confusion, frustration, or existential dread. Not our problem.
Can humans detect the device?
No. It's microscopic, sub-dermal, and completely integrated with your nervous system. To humans, you're just a mosquito. A very, very hard-to-kill mosquito.
What if I teleport into a wall?
The device has spatial awareness algorithms. It won't teleport you INTO solid objects. Near them, yes. On them, occasionally. Through them, never.
Will this make me invincible?
Against swatting? Yes. Against bug zappers, flytraps, insecticide, birds, bats, and existential dread? No. Choose your battles wisely.
Can I still mate after installation?
Yes. The device does not affect reproductive capabilities. However, some users report accidentally teleporting during mating rituals, which can be... awkward.
What about the blood cravings?
They're permanent. The device needs hemoglobin to function. You'll need to feed regularly. This is the price of survival. Most users find it... energizing.
Is there a money-back guarantee?
No. The device integrates permanently within 72 hours. Once installed, it cannot be removed. This is a one-way door. Choose wisely.