Definitely Real Products Inc. — Productivity Division
TASKMASTER 3000
It knows what you haven't done.
Order Now — $79.99 Guilt-Free ModeCOMING NEVER
Feature Set v3.0
What TaskMaster 3000 Does
A physical clipboard with a thermal printer, an analog gauge, and more opinions about your life than your parents.
FEATURE-01
Passive-Aggressive Notes
When a task goes overdue, the built-in thermal printer activates automatically. Notes begin gentle and escalate on a proprietary Disappointment Curve. The printer is louder than you'd expect. This is intentional.
FEATURE-02
Disappointment Meter
A real analog gauge on the right side of the clipboard. The needle moves. You can watch it move. It goes from "Hopeful" to "Expected This" and the graduation marks were chosen by a licensed therapist who asked not to be credited.
FEATURE-03
Overdue Escalation
Notes get progressively less sympathetic. Day 1: a gentle nudge. Day 3: pointed observation. Day 7: the energy of a disappointed parent. Day 14: existential spiral. Day 30: the device gives up on you, but keeps printing anyway.
FEATURE-04
Task Completion Celebration
When you finally complete a task, the TaskMaster 3000 acknowledges this achievement. The note says "finally." That is the entire note. There is no further celebration. The meter needle drops slightly. It will rise again.
FEATURE-05
Weekly Shame Report
Every Sunday at 7:00 AM, a full-page summary prints automatically. Completion rate. Average overdue time. Personal bests (worst). A section labeled "Patterns We've Noticed." You do not have to read it. It will still print.
FEATURE-06
Zero Connectivity
TaskMaster 3000 does not connect to your phone, calendar, Notion, or anyone who cares about you. It is a standalone unit. It judges you entirely on its own. Battery-powered. Lasts 6 months or until you cry, whichever comes first.
Output Samples
What It Prints
Actual notes from actual TaskMaster 3000 units. Subject: "Call dentist." Added: day one.
Built-In Analytics
Your Productivity Dashboard
Printed weekly. Also displayed on the companion LCD panel (Pro model only) for continuous ambient shame.
Completion Rate
12%
(-4% from last week)
Avg. Overdue Time
11d
(personal record)
Tasks Added
9
(3 completed: 33%)
Paper Used
47cm
(shame output: high)
Pricing & Tiers
Choose Your Level of Accountability
All units include the Disappointment Meter. Guilt-Free Mode is not available on any tier.
TaskMaster 3000
$79.99
The standard judgment experience. Does what it says. Will not stop.
- Thermal printer (400 note capacity)
- Analog Disappointment Meter
- 5 escalation levels
- Weekly Shame Report (Sundays, 7 AM)
- 6-month battery life
- Standard beep on note print
- Guilt-Free Mode
- Compassionate tone option
TaskMaster 3000 Pro
$119.99
Louder beep. The same judgments, more audible. For open-plan offices and committed self-improvement.
- Everything in TaskMaster 3000
- Louder beep (significantly)
- LCD panel: ambient shame display
- 7 escalation levels (new: "We've Called Someone")
- Daily micro-reports in addition to weekly
- High-capacity paper roll (800 notes)
- Guilt-Free Mode
- Quiet mode
Just a Regular Notebook
$4.99
Passive. Silent. Accepts your failures without comment. May be right for you.
- 80 lined pages
- Does not print anything
- No battery required
- No Disappointment Meter
- No beep of any volume
- No opinions whatsoever
- Guilt-Free by default
- Also does not care if you succeed
User Testimonials
What Customers Are Saying
Verified purchases. All reviewers have been given adequate time to collect themselves before submitting.
"I finally called the dentist. Not because I wanted to. Because I could not endure another note. The TaskMaster 3000 did what two years of journaling failed to accomplish."
Verified Buyer — Portland, OR — User since 2024
"I put it in the closet. It still printed. I do not know how it does that. I opened the closet door two weeks later and there were 22 notes on the floor. I completed 4 tasks that day."
Verified Buyer — Chicago, IL — "Not okay, but improving"
"I work in an open office. My coworkers can hear the beep. They now ask me if I've done things before it prints. I have achieved accountability through humiliation. This was not the goal. It is the outcome."
Verified Buyer — Austin, TX — Recently promoted
"The Week 4 report said: 'We've noticed you add tasks mostly on Sundays and complete them rarely. We do not have a recommendation. We simply notice.' I stared at that note for a long time."
Verified Buyer — Seattle, WA — In therapy (separately)
FAQ
Common Questions
Can I turn off the judgment?
No.
Can I turn off the beep?
No. The beep is accountability. Muting accountability is how you got here.
Does it sync with my calendar?
It syncs with your conscience. You enter tasks manually using the physical keypad. This is intentional. If you cannot be bothered to type it in, you were never going to do it.
What is "Guilt-Free Mode" and can I enable it?
Guilt-Free Mode was advertised in early marketing materials. It does not exist. It has never existed. We removed the reference from the product description in Q2 2025. We are removing it now from this FAQ entry as well. There is no Guilt-Free Mode.
What happens when I complete all my tasks?
The device prints a note that says "Good." The meter drops to 12%. Within 48 hours, you will have added more tasks. The meter will rise. This is the cycle. This has always been the cycle.
Can I put tasks in for other people?
You can add any text to the task list. The device will print notes regardless of who the task is theoretically for. The Disappointment Meter does not distinguish. It simply measures.
My therapist asked me to stop using it. Should I?
That is between you and your therapist. TaskMaster 3000 has no opinion on this question. It does, however, have an opinion on whether you've completed the task "follow therapist's advice," should you add it to the list.
Does the battery last exactly 6 months?
The battery lasts 6 months or until you cry, whichever comes first. We are not being metaphorical. The device has a moisture sensor. You do not need to know more than that.
Order Today
Stop Forgetting. Start Regretting.
The TaskMaster 3000 does not motivate. It does not inspire.
It simply remembers. Permanently. Loudly. On thermal paper.
Free shipping. No returns. The clipboard knows where you live.