Your dachshund is arriving now.
Request a taxidermied dachshund and we’ll bring it straight to your door. Track it on the map in real time. It will not move. It will not bark. It is, in every meaningful sense, already here.
Request a Dachshund →From $24.99 · surge pricing applies during peak mounting hours
How it works
Three taps to a dachshund. A real-time, on-demand experience for a product that is neither.
Request
Open the app, set your pickup location, and choose your tier. Your dachshund is dispatched immediately from the nearest holding facility. There is one holding facility.
Track
Watch your dachshund approach on the live map, second by second. It is not moving under its own power — a courier is involved — but the little icon moves, and that is what matters.
Receive
Your dachshund arrives. You may keep it. You may rate it. You may sit quietly with it. The ride is over, and yet, in a sense, it never began.
Choose your dachshund
Four service tiers. Every one of them stationary. Prices shown before surge.
Our standard taxidermied dachshund. Reliable. Punctual. Already arrived in spirit. Best for everyday errands you were going to do alone anyway.
Request DachsXPre-warmed to a gentle room temperature before dispatch. Extra legroom (yours, not his). For when you want the same dachshund, but slightly less cold.
Request ComfortAn extended-length dachshund. It is a dachshund, so it is already long. This one is longer. Seats up to six (sentimentally). The flagship experience.
Request DachsXLVintage, estate-sourced, previously owned by someone interesting. Discreet. Distinguished. Comes with a small card that does not say who. Premium tier.
Request Dachs BlackThe ride experience
Every journey, held to the same uncompromising standard of stillness.
Smooth, silent journey
Zero jolts. Zero sudden stops. The dachshund does not accelerate, brake, or otherwise participate. The smoothest ride you will ever not take.
No small talk
Your dachshund will not ask how your day is going. It will not mention the weather. “Quiet ride preferred” is always honored, by necessity.
Zero emissions
The dachshund is not running. It has never run. Carbon-neutral by the simple expedient of total metabolic inactivity. The planet thanks you.
It rates you five stars
Every dachshund rates every rider five stars, every time. It cannot do otherwise. The rating is pre-filled. You are, by this metric, a perfect person.
Live Tracking · In Motion
Watch it work.
Request a dachshund. The app finds one and tracks it in real time. The ETA counts down with total confidence — while the driver's speed holds steady at zero miles per hour, on account of being taxidermied. At 0:00 your dachshund has arrived, precisely where it started, and earns five stars.
Introducing
Dachs Pass
For the rider who knows they’ll need a taxidermied dachshund again. And again. And cannot say why.
- Unlimited taxidermied dachshunds, monthly
- No surge pricing, even during peak mounting hours
- Priority mounting — skip the (motionless) queue
- One complimentary DachsXL upgrade per quarter
- Member-only access to the Dachs Black estate catalogue
Riders love it (it loves them back, five stars)
Real reviews from real riders who requested a dachshund and received one.
★★★★★
“No tipping prompt at the end, which I appreciated. When I asked why, support explained he’s already stiff. I did not have a follow-up question.”
Marcus T. · DachsX rider
★★★★★
“Took a Pool to save money. Shared my dachshund with a stranger named Gerald. We did not speak the entire ride. It was the most at peace I’ve felt in years.”
Priya N. · DachsXL (Pool) rider
★★★★☆
“Four stars. The dachshund arrived exactly on time and did everything I expected, which was nothing. Docked one star because I still don’t know what I wanted.”
Eleanor V. · Dachs Black rider
Frequently asked questions
Is the dachshund alive?
No. The dachshund is taxidermied. This is stated clearly on the request screen, the confirmation screen, and again, gently, on arrival. At no point is the dachshund alive.
Does the dachshund drive the vehicle?
No. A human courier transports the dachshund to you. The dachshund is a passenger in the strictest sense — present, seated, contributing nothing. The “taxi” refers to the service model, not the dachshund’s role.
Can I rate my dachshund?
Yes. You may rate your dachshund one to five stars. Your dachshund will rate you five stars regardless of your rating, your behavior, or anything you do. This asymmetry is the heart of the relationship.
What exactly is DachsXL?
DachsXL is a longer dachshund. Dachshunds are already a long breed; this one is longer than that. We do not lengthen them ourselves — they arrive this way — but we do source the longest available. That is the entire premium.
Why is there surge pricing?
During peak mounting hours, demand for taxidermied dachshunds exceeds the available supply of taxidermied dachshunds. Prices adjust dynamically to balance the market. There is no actual mounting happening. The dachshunds are pre-mounted. The hours are named aspirationally.
Do you offer any animal other than a dachshund?
Not at this time. We are developing Taxi-Cats, but legal is involved, and the cats — even taxidermied — have raised objections we don’t fully understand. For now, it is dachshunds.
What is your cancellation policy?
You may cancel any ride before arrival at no charge. After arrival, the dachshund is yours, the ride is complete, and cancellation is a philosophical position rather than a refund option.