THE TRAGIC 8 BALL

Why even ask? You already know the answer.

Collective sighs registered: 847,291

Click the ball. Or don't. It doesn't matter.

8

Satisfied Customers

"It told me 'Outlook not so good' and honestly that was the most honest thing anyone's said to me in years."

— Someone, probably

"I shook it 47 times hoping for something positive. I did not get something positive."

— A person who should have stopped at 1

"Finally, a toy that understands me."

— Eeyore, Hundred Acre Wood

"I didn't even ask it a question and it still made me sad."

— This website's developer

The Decision Tree

Flowchart showing all questions eventually lead to regret

All paths lead to the same place. Why did you think this would be different?

By The Numbers

User satisfaction statistics showing 97% regret their purchase

Statistically significant disappointment since 1997.

ORDER NOW (WHY BOTHER) << Return to blissful ignorance
The Tragic 8 Ball™ — A Definitely Real Products Inc. product
"Crushing dreams since 1997"

The Tragic 8 Ball is not a licensed therapist. If the Tragic 8 Ball has made you feel feelings, please consult a real human. Side effects may include existential dread, spontaneous sighing, and an overwhelming urge to stare out of rain-streaked windows. Not suitable for optimists.